Funny Cold and Hot Weather in Terxas Sayimngs
Editors' notation: This commodity was first published in print in 1994. This digitized version has since been updated to remove offensive lines. A version of this article appears in our 2019 'Love Messages to Texas' collector'due south result.
Mutual as cornbread, old equally dirt, funny as all get-out—homespun expressions link mod Texans to our rural and agricultural by, carrying the resolute spirit and plainspoken sense of humour of our heroes and pioneers. Some sayings are instantly familiar because our parents or grandparents quoted them; others parallel the indisputable wisdom of biblical proverbs or Poor Richard's Almanac; enough just make us laugh. Nosotros asked twelve renowned artists to illustrate their favorite Texas sayings, and nosotros nowadays as well a sample of other axioms and adages common to the state—a collection of sayings every bit large every bit all hell and half of Texas.
Acceptable
It's improve than a poke in the middle with a abrupt stick.
That's close enough for government work.
Might as well. Can't trip the light fantastic toe, never could sing, and it's also wet to plow.
I could sit however for that.
You can't vanquish that with a stick.
Boastful
He can strut sitting downwardly.
He's all hat and no cattle.
She's all gurgle and no guts.
He chamber-of-commerced information technology.
Dishonest
He's on a offset-proper name basis with the bottom of the deck.
So kleptomaniacal that if he swallowed a nail he'd spit up a corkscrew.
So crooked you tin can't tell from his tracks if he's coming or going.
He knows more than ways to take your money than a roomful of lawyers.
Kleptomaniacal as a domestic dog's hind leg.
Crooked as the Brazos.
Slicker than a slop jar.
More twists than a pretzel manufactory.
Crooked as a barrel of fish hooks.
So kleptomaniacal he has to unscrew his britches at night.
She'due south more slippery than a pocketful of pudding.
He's slicker than a boiled onion.
I wouldn't trust him any farther than I can throw him.
Honest
If that ain't a fact, God's a possum.
Y'all can have that to the banking company.
You can hang your lid on it.
Yous can bet the farm on it.
He'due south so honest you could shoot craps with him over the phone.
If I say a hen dips snuff, you can look under her wing for the tin.
Brave
Brave as the kickoff human being who ate an oyster.
Brave equally a bigamist.
Brave enough to eat in a boomtown cafe.
He's double-backboned.
He's got more guts than you could hang on a fence.
He'd shoot craps with the devil himself.
She'd charge hell with a bucket of water ice water.
Belligerent, Mad
She could offset a fight in an empty house.
He'd debate with a wooden Indian.
She raised hell and stuck a clamper under it.
He's the merely hell his mama always raised.
He's got his tail up.
She'southward in a horn-tossing mood.
She's so opposite she floats up-stream.
She's dancing in the hog trough.
He'll tell yous how the moo-cow ate the cabbage.
Timid
He stays in the shadow of his mama's apron.
If he was melted downward, he couldn't be poured into a fight.
He'south first cousin to Moses Rose.
He wouldn't bite a biscuit.
He's yellow as mustard but without the seize with teeth.
He may not be a chicken, but he has his henhouse ways.
Dry out
So dry the birds are building their nests out of barbed wire.
So dry out the catfish are conveying canteens.
So dry out the trees are bribing the dogs.
So dry out my duck don't know how to swim.
Information technology's been dry then long, nosotros simply got a quarter-inch of rain during Noah'southward Flood.
And then dry I'chiliad spitting cotton fiber.
Dry as a powder house.
Dry as the heart of a haystack.
Drier than a popcorn fart.
Decorated
He's then decorated you lot'd think he was twins.
They're doing a country-office business.
Busy every bit a ane-legged homo at an ass-kicking convention.
Busy as a funeral home fan in July.
Decorated every bit a one-eyed dog in a smokehouse.
Busy as a one-armed paperhanger.
Busy as a stump-tailed bull in fly flavor.
Busy as a hound in flea flavour.
Got to slop the hogs, dig the well, and plow the south forty earlier breakfast.
Got to get back to my rat killing.
She'due south jumping like hot grease (or water) on a skillet.
Panting like a cadger on a hot rock.
No grass growing under her feet.
Unsophisticated
Simply vicious off the turnip (watermelon, tater) truck.
He's and then state he thinks a seven-grade meal is a possum and a vi-pack.
They lived and then far out in the country that the sun gear up between their house and boondocks.
Capable, Experienced
She'due south got some snap in her garters.
He'due south got plenty of arrows in his quiver.
She'south got horse sense.
He'due south got plenty of notches on his gun.
She's a right smart windmill fixer.
He could find a whisper in a whirlwind.
In that location'due south no slack in her rope.
He's a three-spring cowboy.
He tin ride the rough string.
If she crows, the sun is up.
This ain't my get-go rodeo.
General Advice
Pigs go fat; hogs become slaughtered.
A worm is the simply animal that can't fall downwardly.
Never sign nothing by neon.
Merely because a chicken has wings don't mean it tin wing.
Keep your saddle oiled and your gun greased.
You lot can't get lard unless you lot boil the hog.
If you cut your own firewood, it'll warm you lot twice.
There's more than than one way to break a domestic dog from sucking eggs.
Give me the bacon without the sizzle.
Don't hang your wash on someone else's line.
Do God's will, whatever the hell it may exist.
Lick that calf again? (Say what?)
Why shear a squealer?
Don't snap my garters.
A guilty fox hunts his ain hole.
Quit hollering down the rain.
Don't rile the railroad vehicle master.
Amend to go along your mouth shut and seem a fool than to open information technology and remove all incertitude.
The barn door's open and the mule's trying to run. (Your fly's down.)
Don't get all het upwardly about it.
There'due south a big difference between the ox and the whiffletree.
There's no tree but bears some fruit.
Peel your own buffalo.
You better throw a sop to the dogs.
Don't squat on your spurs.
Any mule's tail tin can grab cockleburs.
A drought ordinarily ends with a overflowing.
If you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.
A lean dog runs fast.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Celebratory
Let'south shoot out the lights.
We'll pigment the town and the front porch.
Let'due south hallelujah the county.
Put the niggling pot in the big pot.
Throw your hat over the windmill.
I'll be at that place with bells on.
I'll clothing my Lord's day-become-to-meeting clothes.
He's all gussied up.
Big
Fat as a boardinghouse cat.
Fat as a town domestic dog.
She'due south warm in winter, shady in summer.
He don't care what you call him as long every bit you lot telephone call him to supper.
So big he looks like he ate his brother.
So big he has to sit down down in shifts.
Big as Brewster Canton.
Big as Dallas.
Big equally a Brahma bull.
She'd rather shake than rattle.
He's big enough to conduct hunt with a branch.
He'southward all spread out like a common cold supper.
Wide every bit two ax handles.
He'll consume annihilation that don't eat him get-go.
Cheap
Tight as Dick's hatband.
Tight as a tick.
Tight as a clothesline.
Tight as a fiddle cord.
Tight equally wallpaper.
Tight as a wet kicking.
Tight plenty to raise a cicatrice.
So tight he squeaks when he walks.
He'll squeeze a nickel till the buffalo screams.
She has brusque artillery and deep pockets.
Crazy
He's got a big hole in his screen door.
She's 1 bubble off plumb.
She's i brick shy of a load.
She'southward 2 sandwiches brusque of a picnic.
He's a few pickles short of a barrel.
There's a lite or two burned out on his string.
He's missing a few buttons off his shirt.
The porch light'due south on but no i's home.
He'south lost his vertical concur.
He's overdrawn at the retention depository financial institution.
I hear you lot clucking, but I tin can't find your nest.
She's got besides many cobwebs in the attic.
Crazy as a bullbat.
Crazy equally Larrabee'south calf.
Lucky
He could depict a pat hand from a stacked deck.
He always draws the best balderdash.
He's riding a gravy train with beige wheels.
He could sit down on the fence and the birds would feed him.
Rich
In tall cotton.
Running with the big dogs.
He didn't come to town two to a mule.
She's got more than she tin say grace over.
So rich they can eat fried craven all week long.
Rich enough to consume her laying hens.
Poor
If a trip around the earth toll a dollar, I couldn't get to the Oklahoma line.
He's and then broke he'due south disrepair all Ten Commandments.
Poor as a cadger-eating cat.
Hasn't got a pot to pee in or a window to throw information technology out of.
So poor I had a tumbleweed as a pet.
I ate so many armadillos when I was immature, I still roll upwardly into a brawl when I hear a dog bark.
So poor we had to fertilize the sills before we could raise the windows.
Poor equally sawmill rats.
He's bankrupt every bit a stick equus caballus.
He's besides poor to pay attention.
So poor the wolf won't even stop at their door.
So poor their Sunday supper is fried water.
As well poor to paint, too proud to whitewash.
Hot
Hot equally Hades.
Hot as the hinges (or hubs) of hell.
Hot as a depot stove.
Hot as a two-dollar pistol.
Hot as a baton goat in a pepper patch.
Hot as a summertime revival.
Hot as a pot of neck basic.
Hot as a stolen tamale.
Hot enough to fry eggs on the sidewalk.
Hotter than whoopee in woolens.
Hotter than a honeymoon hotel.
Hotter than a burning stump.
Hotter than bluish blazes.
Hotter than a fur coat in Marfa.
So hot the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Cold
This is hog-killing conditions.
In that location's only a strand of barbed wire betwixt hither and at that place, and information technology'due south downwards (after a blizzard).
Common cold as a well-digger'south knee.
Cold as a frosted frog.
Cold as an ex-wife's centre.
Cold as a cast-iron commode.
Common cold as a banker's middle.
Cold every bit hell with the furnace out.
Sorry
I feel lower than a gopher hole.
I experience so depression I couldn't jump off a dime.
She eats sorrow by the spoonful.
You look like you were sent for and couldn't go.
Sorry plenty to bring a tear to a glass center.
He looks similar the cheese fell off his cracker.
Small-scale, Thin
She's frying size.
He's knee-high to a grasshopper.
He'd take to stand up up to look a rattler in the eye.
About as large as the footling end of cipher.
Half as big as a minute.
No bigger than moles on a chigger.
Scrawny as Ace Reid cattle.
Nothing betwixt the horns and hooves merely hide.
Sparse as a bar's ear.
Sparse equally a gnat'southward whisker.
Thin as store-bought thread.
Thin as Depression soup.
Thin as a fiddle cord.
Sparse as a rake and twice every bit sexy.
Flat as a fritter.
Scarce-hipped.
So skinny she has to stand twice to make a shadow.
So skinny you lot could give her a Big Red and use her as a thermometer.
So skinny she shades herself under the clothesline.
Bad, Hateful
He's such a liar he'd beat you senseless and tell God yous barbarous off a horse.
He was born distressing.
He's so low he'd steal the widow's ax.
He'd steal his mama'due south egg money.
He'd steal the flowers off his grandma'south grave.
He'd steal the nickels off a expressionless man's eyes.
No-business relationship young man.
Bitter as gall.
Tough as nickel steak.
Tough as stewed skunk.
Tough as whang.
Mean every bit a mama wasp.
Friendly every bit a bramble bush.
She makes a hornet wait cuddly.
A she-bear in satin.
Crude as a cob.
He looks like a sheep-killing dog.
He lies like a tombstone.
He wouldn't scratch his own mama'due south fleas.
He'southward got horns belongings up his halo.
We're not on borrowing terms.
You're so low yous have to look up to come across hell.
He's and so low you lot couldn't put a rug nether him.
He jumped on me with all four feet.
A real revolving son of a bitch.
Fast
He jumped on me like a duck on a June bug.
He jumped on me like white on rice.
He can blow out the lamp and jump into bed earlier information technology gets night.
He gets there in one-half less than no time.
Quick out of the chute.
Fast as greased lightning.
Fast as pocket-sized-boondocks gossip.
Faster than a prairie fire with a tail wind.
Faster than a scalded cat.
Faster than double-struck lightning.
Faster than a sneeze through a screen door.
Going like a house ablaze.
Hell-bent for leather.
Any faster and he'd catch up to yesterday.
In a New York minute.
Stiff
His breath'south so potent you could hang out the washing on it.
That coffee'due south so stiff information technology'll put hair on your breast.
Coffee so stiff it'll walk into your loving cup.
Coffee so potent information technology'll heighten a blood blister on a boot.
He's so strong he makes Samson look sensitive.
Arrival/Greetings
Look what the true cat dragged in.
Company'south coming; add a cup of h2o to the soup.
We've howdied just we haven't shook.
Put on your sitting britches.
Let's chaw the rag.
Divergence/Proficient-farewell
Let'southward light a shuck.
It'southward time to rut upward the bricks.
It's time to put the chairs in the wagon.
It's fourth dimension to swap spit and hit the route.
It's time to put out the burn and call in the dogs.
He's heading for the wagon yard.
Permit's blow this pop stand.
That most puts the rag on the bush.
Church is out.
That'due south all she wrote.
Patience
Hot volition cool if greedy will let information technology.
Accept a tater and wait.
Don't go your panties in a wad.
Wash off your war paint.
Tired
Looks like she's been chewed up, spit out, and stepped on.
Looks like she was rode hard and put away wet.
She looks similar chewed twine.
He looks like Bowser's os.
I was born tired and I've since suffered a relapse.
1 bike down and the axle dragging.
I'yard near about past going.
Sick
He's got a hitch in his gitalong.
Sick every bit a dog passing peach pits.
All stove upwards.
I'm so sick I'd have to become better to die.
Sore every bit a eddy.
Her hopper's disrepair.
As full of pains as an one-time window.
I've got the greenish apple nasties.
He looks like expiry warmed over.
Then sick he needs 2 beds.
Pitiful as a 3-legged dog.
Talkative
He could talk the legs off a chair.
He could talk the gate off its hinges.
He could talk the hide off a cow.
He could talk the ears off a mule.
He shoots off his mouth so much he must eat bullets for breakfast.
He's got a x-gallon oral fissure.
She speaks 10 words a 2d, with gusts to fifty.
Her tongue is plumb tuckered.
She's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth.
She beats her own gums to death.
He blew in on his own wind.
He's a live dictionary.
He'south a chin musician.
She has a bell clapper instead of a natural language.
He was vaccinated with a Victrola needle.
Nervous
All cut upward like a boardinghouse pit.
Smile like a mule eating cockleburs.
Nervous as a pregnant jenny.
Nervous equally a fly in the glue pot.
Nervous every bit a woodshed waiter.
She's chewing her fleck.
Caution
You were as well hard to enhance to accept chances.
Don't dig up more snakes than you tin can kill.
Whistle before yous walk into a stranger's camp.
Don't plow too close to the cotton.
A dead snake tin notwithstanding seize with teeth.
A expressionless bee can still sting.
Don't tip over the outhouse.
Putdowns
Fifty-fifty a blind grunter can find an acorn in one case in a while.
Someday you happen to pass my business firm, I'd sure capeesh it.
What did you do with the money your mama gave you for singing lessons?
Were you raised in a barn?
Put that in your pipage and smoke it.
Even the chickens nether the porch know that.
You smell like you want to exist left alone.
Go peddle your own produce.
Go cork your pistol.
If yous suspension your leg, don't come running to me.
Any greases your wagon.
Problem
Got a big pigsty in the debate.
I got my ox in a ditch.
He loaded the wrong wagon.
They hung the wrong horse thief.
He ripped his britches.
There'southward a yellowjacket in the outhouse.
Wasting Fourth dimension
Preaching to the choir.
Burning daylight.
Arguing with a wooden Indian.
Whistling up the current of air.
Hollering downwards a well.
Vain
He broke his arm patting himself on the dorsum.
He thinks the sun comes upwardly just to hear him crow.
I'd like to buy him for what he'south worth and sell him for what he thinks he'll bring.
She'south so spoiled salt couldn't save her.
She'south so spoiled she expects spoon-feeding.
Drunk/Drinking
He wasn't born, just squeezed out of a bartender'southward rag.
Drunker than who shot John.
Snot-slinging boozer.
Boozer equally Cooter Chocolate-brown.
Drunk equally a skunk.
Don't chop any woods this evening; Daddy's coming abode with a load.
Tighter than bawl on a log.
I've got the whistlebelly thumps and skull cramps. (A hangover.)
Calling for Earl. (Throwing up.)
Jugging and jawing.
Commode-hugging, knee-walking boozer.
Desolate
Looks like hell with anybody out to dejeuner.
Out where the buses don't run.
Dead
Buzzard bait.
He gave up his guitar for a harp.
He ate a bitter pill.
Unwelcome
As welcome as an egg-sucking dog.
Every bit welcome every bit an outhouse breeze.
As welcome as screwworm.
As welcome as a porcupine at a nudist colony.
As welcome as a skunk at a lawn political party.
Every bit welcome as a wet shoe.
Equally welcome as a tornado on a trail drive.
Like shooting fish in a barrel
No loma for a stepper.
Slick as a whistle.
Easy equally pie.
Difficult
Like trying to bag flies.
Similar putting socks on a rooster.
Like shooting fish in a barrel as pissing up a rope.
Failure
He blames everything on the weather condition or his raising.
He got defenseless in his own loop.
He came close to the dollar knife.
Smart
Bright as a new penny.
Smart as a hooty owl.
No flies on my mama.
Smart as a whip.
Dumb
If a duck had his brain, information technology would wing north for the wintertime.
He doesn't have enough sense to spit downwind.
If he was salary, he wouldn't even sizzle.
If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a flea.
He carries his brains in his back pocket.
Dumb equally dirt.
Dumb as a box of rocks.
Dumb as a butt of pilus.
Dumb as a mail.
Dumb as a wagon bike.
Dumb equally a prairie dog.
Dumb as a watermelon.
He doesn't know "come here" from "sic 'em."
He doesn't know enough to pound sand down a rat hole.
He tin can't ride and chew at the same time.
And so stupid if you lot put his brains in a bumblebee, information technology'd wing backwards.
If all her brains were ink, she couldn't dot an i.
If all his brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose.
He don't know which finish'south up.
He don't know a widget from a whangdoodle.
He don't know nothing from aught.
He don't know diddly squat.
He couldn't pour piss out of a kick with a hole in the toe and the directions on the heel.
If he had a encephalon, it'd die of loneliness.
So thick-headed you can hit him in the face with a tire iron and he won't yell till morn.
He could screw up an anvil.
Shell
He gave me the wire-castor treatment.
I got sandpapered.
I'll snatch you lot bald-headed.
I'll whip you similar a redheaded stepchild.
I'll knock you plumb into next calendar week.
He got his tail feathers trimmed. He's been saucered and blowed.
He sure cleaned your plow.
Unacceptable
Not what I had my face fixed for.
Like hugging a rose bush.
Nothing to write dwelling house almost.
That dog won't hunt.
I'd just as soon bite a bug.
I don't cotton to information technology.
Confused
Dislocated equally a goat on AstroTurf.
My natural language got caught in my eyeteeth and I couldn't come across what I was saying.
I can explain it to yous, but I can't sympathise it for you.
He ran 'em effectually the barn.
Cattywampus to Miss Jones's.
Immoral, Wild
They call her "radio station" because anyone can choice her up, especially at dark.
He's wilder than a peach orchard boar.
Loose as ashes in the current of air.
Loose every bit a bucket of soot.
Wilder than an acre of snakes.
She uses her sheet for a tablecloth.
He was built-in on the wrong side of the coating.
She'south found a new dasher for her churn.
They ate supper earlier they said grace.
They planted their crop before they built their contend.
They're hitched just non churched.
They've got a cotton wool-patch license.
Pregnant
She'southward got a bun in the oven.
She's sitting on the nest.
She's got one in the chute.
She's been storked.
Citified
Raised on physical.
Doesn't know a bit from a butt.
Yous don't live longer in the urban center; information technology just seems that way.
Noisy
Noisy as 2 skeletons dancing on a tin can roof.
Noisy as a restless mule in a tin barn.
Noisier than cats making kittens.
Noisier than a cornhusk mattress.
Louder than Grandpa's Sunday tie.
He chosen his hogs all dark. (Snored.)
He learned to whisper in a sawmill.
Inept, Worthless
He could fall up a tree.
Couldn't ride a nightmare without falling out of bed.
He couldn't knock a hole in the wind with a sackful of hammers.
So bad at farming he couldn't raise Cain.
He couldn't striking the floor if he fell out of bed.
Handy as hip pockets on a grunter.
Worthless as teats on a balderdash.
Worthless every bit a sidesaddle on a sow.
Not worth spit.
He couldn't organize a pissing contest in a brewery.
Useless as two buggies in a 1-horse town.
He could spiral upwardly a two-car funeral.
Tie a quarter to it and throw it away, and y'all tin say you lost something.
He'southward got no more run a risk than a June problems in the chicken coop.
He's a day belatedly and a dollar short.
He can't win for losing.
He's sucking hind teat.
I need that like a tomcat needs a trousseau.
She's itching for something she won't scratch for.
Why close the barn door later on the horses are out?
No more good than an eyeless needle.
Like warming upward leftover snow.
Like pushing a wheelbarrow with rope handles.
Like sweet-talking the water out of the well.
Skillful, Happy
Sweeter than stolen honey.
Sweeter than infant's breath.
Sweeter than an former maid'due south dream.
He took to you similar a sus scrofa to persimmons.
He took to you similar a fish to water.
Happy as a boardinghouse pup.
Happy every bit a mollusk at high tide.
Happy as a hog in mud.
Safety as Granny's snuffbox.
Fair to middling.
Pert as a cricket.
Soft equally a 2-infinitesimal egg.
All wool and a thou wide.
I'grand cooking on a front burner today.
If I felt any better, I'd drib my harp plumb through the cloud.
If I felt whatsoever improve, I'd think it was a setup.
Fat and sassy.
All sweetness and calorie-free.
This is so practiced it'll make childbirth a pleasure.
Fine every bit frog fur.
Fine as dollar cotton.
Fine as boomtown silk.
Fine as cream gravy.
The porch light is always called-for.
Long every bit I got a biscuit, you got half.
Distance
Downward the route a piece.
A fur slice.
Turn left past yonder.
I won't say it'southward far, only I had to grease the carriage twice before I hit the primary road.
2 hoots and a holler away.
Lazy
He hangs out more often than Mama's washing.
He'southward similar a blister—he doesn't bear witness up till the work's all done.
Shy
Shy as a mail-order helpmate.
Shy as a crocus.
Shy equally sapphires.
Nighttime
Equally dark as the inside of a wolf.
Dark as coffin air.
Dark as a pocket.
Dark as a cow.
Dark as a bluish norther.
Dark as the devil'southward riding boots.
Dark as truck-stop coffee.
Handy
Handy every bit sliced breadstuff.
Handy as shirt pockets.
Handy as a latch on the outhouse door.
Deficient
Scarce as hen's teeth.
Scarce as grass around a hog trough.
Scarce as rain barrels.
Tedious (equally a knife)
You could ride all the style to Big Spring on it and never dissever a hair.
Information technology wouldn't cut hot butter.
Yous could scratch your back with information technology and never draw blood.
Tiresome (boring)
As exciting every bit waiting for paint to dry out.
As exciting as a mashed-potato sandwich.
Every bit much fun as chopping wood.
Tedious as Henry'southward os.
Miscellaneous
Independent every bit a hog on ice.
I don't know yous from Adam's off ox.
Thick as the dew on Dixie.
Thick equally fleas on a farm dog.
That'due south two dissimilar buckets of possums.
Things are going to hell in a handbasket.
Come hell or high water.
Lord willing and the creek don't rising.
I don't intendance if it harelips the governor.
Serious as the business end of a .45.
Baptists and Johnson grass are taking over.
He'due south so slow he could proceeds weight walking.
Out like Lottie'due south center.
Source: https://www.texasmonthly.com/being-texan/more-colorful-texas-sayings-than-you-can-shake-a-stick-at/
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